Post by Michelle on Jul 29, 2005 17:21:50 GMT -5
Episode 001 Our Very First Show (Pilot)
We find Claire Tanner, Danny, DJ, and Stephanie in the front room. Claire is about to
leave...
Claire Tanner: If you need me, I’m on the next plane.
Danny: Aw, thank you, mom.
Claire: Okay.
DJ & Stephanie: Bye, Grandma.
Danny: Bye, mom.
Claire: Bye.
DJ & Stephanie: Bye.
Claire: Oh, my angels!
Stephanie: Grandma, don’t leave!
Claire: I love you. Goodbye, sweetheart.
Stephanie: Goodbye, grandma.
Claire: Bye. Bye.
DJ, Steph, Danny: Bye
Claire leaves
Danny: Okay! Are we going to have fun or what? (DJ & Stephanie frown) Hey, hey, hey!
Let’s see some smiles. Everything is going to work out super great. Your uncle Jesse is
moving in; my best friend Joey is moving in, and you know what that means... That means
that you two are going to get to be roommates. Isn’t that exciting?
Stephanie: I can wear all DJ’s clothes!
DJ: Do I have to share my room with her?
Danny: Honey, it’s going to be just like having a slumber party.
DJ: Yeah, with only one guest... who never leaves!
Jesse enters
Jesse: Hey! Look alive! Uncle Jesse’s here!
DJ & Stephanie: Uncle Jesse!
Jesse: (imitating the girls) Uncle Jesse! (in his normal voice) All right! Hello! DJ, how
you doing? That tooth come in yet?
DJ: Nah.
Jesse: That’s okay; one less to brush.
Danny: Hey, Jesse!
Jesse: Danno!
Danny: You missed breakfast; where have you been?
Jesse: I know; sorry. Last night, after my gig at the smash club, I go for a cruise on my
Harley, right? Nest thing I know, I’m in Reno. It was dark - who would have known? Then,
I happened to wander into this show, Razzle Dazzle ’87 - much better than Razzle Dazzle ’86,
by the way. And I see this incredible showgirl Vanessa, right? Our eyes meet. (Danny looks
at the girls, concerned at what they might be hearing) Ba-boom, this lightning bolt of passion
shoots across the casino. Turns out, Vanessa is on her way to the Philippines to do a Bob
Hope special, and is dying for one last night of good old American -
Danny: Food, food! She was hungry, right?
Jesse: Oh yeah. She was starving. Only we never got a chance to, uh, "eat," because she had
to turn her feathers in.
Stephanie: Uncle Jesse, let’s play Ballerina.
Jesse: Uncle Jesse doesn’t want to play ballerina.
Stephanie: Yes he does...
Jesse: No he doesn’t...
Stephanie: Yes he does...
Jesse: No he doesn’t!
Stephanie: (pretending to cry) Yes he does.
Jesse: How do you play ballerina?
Stephanie: Dance!
Jesse: Okay, that was fun.
Joey enters carrying a pile of laundry, and makes a noise, imitating a trumpet
DJ: Hi, Joey.
Joey: Hi, Danny.
Danny: Oh, Joey, buddy. This is the best; you’re moving in! (Danny takes the pile of
laundry from Joey)
Joey: Thanks, Danny. This works out so perfect. I move into a place with a washing
machine on the exact day I run out of clean clothes. (Danny drops the pile of laundry, which
he now knows to be dirty)
Jesse, long time no see. Now be honest. Did you ever think we’d end up being roommates?
Jesse: Not once.
Joey: I love this guy. Danny, there’s no way all my stuff will fit into a room this tiny.
Danny: Joey, this is not a tiny room. This is a large alcove. In fact, this is a large alcove that
you’re living in for free.
Joey: You know, now that I take a close look at it, it’s enormous... ‘normous... ‘normous...
We are gonna have so much fun, aren’t we, kids? (imitates Popeye’s laugh)
DJ: Do you think we could catch grandma at the airport?
Danny and Jesse are walking in the upstairs hallway. They enter Jesse’s new room...
Danny: Nice, huh? Roomy. (Jesse looks at the pink bunnies on the wall) Not overly
masculine.
Jesse: Oh golly, it’s swell. You know what would look great over here by the window?
Barbie’s dream house.
Danny: We’ve got one. Look, Jesse, I just want you to know that having you and Joey here
really means a lot to me. Just knowing somebody’s here who cares about the girls. You
know, they’re so happy
you’re here. Oh, God bless you! (Danny hugs Jesse)
Jesse: You’re hugging me in a room with pink bunnies.
Danny: Oh, sorry. I’m an emotional guy. Okay, let’s face it. I’m a lean, mean, hugging
machine.
Jesse: Okay. Danny, listen; Pam was my big sister, and I loved her very much, and I love
your kids, and I’m happy to do what I can. (Danny hugs Jesse again) Aah, you’re hugging
me again. Now listen; you and me, we’ll sit down; we’ll set aside a special time for hugging.
But not now. (Jesse opens the closet, and sees that the closet rack is too low) Oh great, I live
in Webster’s room!
DJ and Stephanie are in their new bedroom, which they now have to share...
DJ: Rule number one : never touch my stuff. You should be taking notes. Rule number two :
never set foot in my half of the room.
Stephanie: How do I get out of here?
DJ: Easy. You jump off the window and climb down the tree.
Stephanie: I don’t think so.
DJ: Suit yourself.
Stephanie: I’ll find a way out... (Stephanie climes onto the window curtain)Danny and Jesse enter the room
Danny: Stephanie, what are you doing
Stephanie: Just hanging around.
Danny: Come on, honey, get down from there.
Joey enters
Joey: (seeing the yellow barrier tied across the room) All right! Limbo. Dika-laka-puka...
dika-laka-puka... dika-laka-puka... no way.
DJ: This is a nightmare.
Danny: Uh, DJ, honey, I told you everything is gonna work out super great. I’m sorry. I’ve
got to get down to the station. Try to watch my sports report this afternoon. Today starts my
special two-part series entitled, "Boxers : Highly Skilled Athletes or Bullies in Shorts?"
Jesse and Joey are in Michelle’s nursery, where Michelle is crying
Joey: (in a baby’s voice) Oh, Michelle, little baby waby. What’s the matter? Uncle Jesse,
what are we gonna do?
Jesse: First, we stop talking like a munchkin. (Michelle continues to cry) Hey, shut up!
Joey: Wait, I’ll handle this. I’m a comic; it’s my non-paying job to cheer people up.
(imitating Kermit the Frog) Uh, Michelle, it’s me, Kermit the frog. Now, uh, you don’t want
to cry, do ya? (Michelle continues to cry) Wait, she’ll love it. I call it, "The Sprinkler."
(Joey drinks water, and starts to spit it out, like a sprinkler. Meanwhile, Jesse grabs a little
umbrella and covers Michelle) Tough room. Jesse, what if she needs to be... uh... changed?
Jesse: Check it out. Go.
Joey: (looking at the inside of the diaper) We have a winner. Now what?
Jesse: Joseph. Put yourself in her place. What would you want done?
Joey: I’ve never changed a diaper.
Jesse: Me neither. At least you touched one. All right, look out; I’ll show you how it’s done.
(to Michelle) Come here child. You believe this guy? (to Joey) All right, make yourself
useful.
Joey: I’ll take the south end.
Jesse: Good.
Jesse and Joey walk out of the room, heading down the stairs, into the front
room, and then into the kitchen
Joey & Jesse: Step one, step two, step one, step two, step one, step two, step one, step two.
Jesse: Okay, good. Look out. Okay, keep it coming.
Stephanie: (in the front room) Showtime!
Joey: (in the kitchen) Where will we put the baby?
Jesse: Where will we put the child?
Joey: Uh, the pot, over here.
Jesse: Whoa... whoa... whoa... whoa... whoa... whoa! Joey, this is a living thing. You don’t
stick it in a pot; use a meat rack.
Joey: I’m an idiot.
Jesse: Uh, come on.
Joey: Okay.
Jesse: All right, good.
Joey: All right, great.
Jesse: Settle down here; here we go.
Stephanie: Are you gonna cook Michelle?
Joey: We’re changing her diaper.
Stephanie: Oh, then how do you roast a turkey?
Jesse: Steph! Joey and I are busy. Joey, strip her. All right, careful there. You’re in control.
All right, slide it off and... ugh!
Joey: Uh... uh... (puts the dirty diaper into a plastic bowl and covers the bowl)
Jesse: Good thinking, Joey, keep it fresh.
Joey: Okay, hold her up; I’ll clean her off.
Jesse: Good idea. Come on, Michelle, all right. (Joey tries to shoot water at Michelle to
clean her off...) You’re missing! You’re missing! You’re missing! All right now, come on,
gently now, gently now, gently... There we go. This is great; we should be mothers.
Joey: Oh, yeah.
Jesse: All right, let’s dry her up.
Joey: Okay. Fan her. Fan her fanny. Fan her fanny.
Joey: You know these babies have it made? I would kill for this kind of service.
Jesse: All right, diapers.
Joey: Diaper... diaper
Jesse: Where are diapers?
Joey: Diapers...
Jesse: Diapers...
Joey: Diapers, diapers...
Jesse: Diapers...
Joey: (holding up a roll of paper towels) Hey, super absorbent.
Jesse: Bring it over. Okay, now what?
Joey: Okay, spin her.
Jesse: Spin her.
Joey: Spin her.
Jesse: Spin her. All right, now, wrap her up in this, come on. Put her right in here. It’s too
easy.
Joey: Works for me.
Stephanie: Not bad, but next time try these. (Stephanie holds the diapers)
Jesse: Steph, why did you wait till now to give us the diapers?
Stephanie: Nobody asked me.
Jesse and Joey are in the front room. Danny has just come home from work...
Danny: Hey guys, how’d it go today with - whoa! What happened? What’s with all the dirty
baby clothes?
The doorbell rings
Joey: I’m sorry, but every time we fed her, she’d drool, or dribble, or spit up.
Jesse: Your baby’s a pig.
Jesse opens the door, and Vanessa is sitting in the doorway
Vanessa: Hi, Jesse.
Jesse: Vanessa, have mercy. I thought you were supposed to go to the Philippines with Bob
Hope.
Vanessa: Oh, well, I am, but the airport’s fogged in. So, is that offer to stay with you any
time still good?
Jesse: Oh, it’s more than good. It’s... uh... amazing!
Stephanie enters
Stephanie: Hi, uncle Jesse. Ready for more ballerina?
Jesse: Uh... we’ll play later, okay?
Stephanie: Okay... it’s later! Catch me! Ohh!
Jesse: Listen; why don’t you go upstairs and play ballerina with your big sister.
Stephanie: I can’t. She moved out.
Danny: Stephanie, honey, what do you mean, "She moved out"?
Stephanie: She’s gone. She rolled up her crepe paper and took off.
Danny: Okay, everybody follow me.
Danny, Joey, Jesse, and Stephanie are in DJ’s bedroom
Danny: You lost my daughter? I went to work for seven hours, and you lost thirty-three
percent of my children? Joey, call the police. Jesse, start driving around our neighborhood.
I’m gonna call up DJ’s friends.
Stephanie: And I’ll go get DJ.
Danny: Stephanie, honey.
Stephanie: Yes, daddy?
Danny: Sweetheart, do you know where DJ is?
Stephanie: Uh-huh.
Danny: Why didn’t you say something sooner?
Stephanie: Nobody asked me.
Danny, Jesse, and Joey go into the garage, where DJ is on the telephone with Kimmy Gibbler
Danny: DJ, can I talk to you?
DJ: (on the telephone) Kimmy, hang on. (to Danny) I’m talking to Kimmy Gibbler. She
called me on her own phone from her own room. She has three sisters.
Danny: DJ, you don’t want to live in the garage. It’s filthy... it’s stuffy...
DJ: You want some fresh air? (DJ opens the garage door)
Danny: (in a firm voice) Donna Jo, I want you back inside right now this instant. (in a
milder voice) Is that okay?
DJ: No thank you, dad. (on the telephone) So Kimmy, where were we?
Jesse: (to Danny) Nice job, dad. You’ve been reading Cosby’s book?
Joey: Cosby? I’ll handle this. (imitating Bill Cosby, talking to DJ) Hello there, small child-
like person. Mmha... ha... ha... If you move back into the house, you can have a big, juicy
bowl of jello. Mmha... ha... ha... ha... ha... ha.
DJ: (on the telephone) No, Kimmy, that’s not really him. I’ll call you later.
Stephanie enters the garage
Stephanie: Daddy, the baby’s crying. She’s got that thirsty look in her eyes.
Stephanie goes back upstairs again
Danny: Okay, honey. I’ll be right up. Joey, would you mind warming up the baby’s bottle?
Joey: Well, not at all. Although with this particular baby, it might be simpler just to pour the
formula directly into the diaper. Well, think about it.Joey leaves to warm up the baby’s bottle
Jesse: All right, DJ’s all set and I got Vanessa upstairs waiting, so best of luck to both of you.
Danny: No, look, Jesse, look; I got to go check on the baby; won’t you just stay here with
DJ? Talk to her; I’ll be right back. Your her uncle - try to be parental, or something.
Danny walks upstairs
Jesse: Parental. That’s cool. I can be parental. I got parents. (Jesse taps DJ’s shoulder)
DJ: Can I help you?
Jesse: Yes. You can move your little bod back in the house. Look, DJ, I don’t blame you for
wanting your own room. But you got to understand; this world’s not a perfect place. Bruce
Willis has a record deal. But then a Vanessa shows up at your door, and it all evens out. You
know what I’m saying?
DJ: Yeah.
Jesse: Good, so you’ll move back in?
DJ: Nah.
Jesse: Nah! All right, I’ll speak the language you understand. Five bucks if you’ll move
back.
DJ: Fifty.
Jesse: Ten.
DJ: Forty-nine.
Jesse: A buck? You went down a buck?
DJ: Okay, it’s back up to fifty.
Jesse: All right, my final offer : twenty bucks.
DJ: Twenty-one. Vanessa’s waiting...
Danny, Joey, Jesse, and Stephanie are in the front room. Joey is putting his things away in
the alcove
Jesse: All right, DJ is moving back in.
Danny: She is? That’s fantastic! What did you do?
Jesse: I have a very special way with kids.
Jesse starts to go upstairs
Danny: Uh, Jesse, hang on. Vanessa’s not upstairs.
Jesse comes back downstairs
Jesse: Where’s Vanessa?
Danny: Well, uh...
Stephanie: She’s history.
Jesse covers Stephanie’s ears
Jesse: What the hell did you do with Vanessa?
Danny: I didn’t do anything with her. I just told her that with three little girls in the house, I
thought it would be better is she slept on the couch. And she left.
Jesse: You hate me, don’t you.
DJ enters the room
Danny: DJ.
Jesse: Whoa... whoa... whoa... whoa... whoa... whoa... whoa. Vanessa is gone. The deal is
off. I want my money back.
Danny: What money?
DJ: The money uncle Jesse paid me to move back in.
Danny: That’s your special way with children - you buy them off?
Jesse: It works. Kid, money.
DJ: Fine, I have other sources of income. I’ll go back to my new room and have a garage
sale.
Danny: DJ, wait. DJ. (to Jesse) Here, take Michelle. (to Stephanie) Come with me, honey.
Jesse: (looking at Michelle) Don’t even think about it.
Danny, DJ, and Stephanie are in the kitchen
Danny: DJ, honey, I can’t let you have a garage sale.
DJ: What if I give you ten percent of the profits?
Danny: DJ, come here. Can’t you just try sharing your room with your sister? Your mom
was always so good at this stuff. I’d come home from work, and everything was always
perfect. DJ, how would mom have handled this?
DJ: She would have caught me before I moved into the garage. Mom knew everything I did
before I did it.
Danny: What is it, honey?
DJ: It’s just not fair. First, I lose my mom; then, grandma leaves; now, I even lose my own
room? Everything keeps disappearing.
Danny: I know exactly how you feel. And I know how much you girls miss your mother,
because I miss her too, very much. But you still got me.
Stephanie: You got me, too.
Danny: You got Michelle, and you have your uncle Jesse, and Joey. DJ, we’re still a family,
and now is when we really need to stick together. DJ, you and I, we go back a long time - ten
years. The ten happiest years of my life. So look; it’s up to you. Either you move back
inside, or all five of us are moving into the garage. But nothing is gonna break up this team.
DJ: I’ll move back in.
Danny: I love you, angel. You too, little ballerina.
Jesse in the front room, talking to Michelle. Joey is in the alcove putting his things away
Jesse: Hey, Michelle. Michelle. Can you say, "Uncle Jesse"?
Michelle: Ah-ah.
Jesse: That’s it; you said it. You said, "Uncle Jesse." (Danny, DJ, and Stephanie enter)
Starting tomorrow, you use the toilet just like the rest of us.
DJ: Good news. Uncle Jesse, our deal’s back on. (Jesse starts to take out money) It’s okay;
I’ll put it on your tab.
Jesse: All right.
Danny: Aw. Is this great, or what? These girls are crazy about you.
Jesse: Oh, sure. I dance around; I give them money.
Michelle: Uh... uh...
Jesse: Now what’s the problem?
Danny: Oh, there’s no problem. She’s singing. Michelle loves music.
Joey: Music? I’ll handle this... (Joey starts to sing) Ooh... Flinstones... meet the
Flinstones...
Joey & Jesse: (singing) They’re a modern stone-age family...
Jesse: Everybody sing along!
Everybody: (singing) From the... town of Bedrock, they’re a page right out of history.
Jesse: Let’s take a walk.
Everybody: (singing) Let’s ride... with the family down the street. Through the... courtesy of
Fred’s two feet...
*** End ***
We find Claire Tanner, Danny, DJ, and Stephanie in the front room. Claire is about to
leave...
Claire Tanner: If you need me, I’m on the next plane.
Danny: Aw, thank you, mom.
Claire: Okay.
DJ & Stephanie: Bye, Grandma.
Danny: Bye, mom.
Claire: Bye.
DJ & Stephanie: Bye.
Claire: Oh, my angels!
Stephanie: Grandma, don’t leave!
Claire: I love you. Goodbye, sweetheart.
Stephanie: Goodbye, grandma.
Claire: Bye. Bye.
DJ, Steph, Danny: Bye
Claire leaves
Danny: Okay! Are we going to have fun or what? (DJ & Stephanie frown) Hey, hey, hey!
Let’s see some smiles. Everything is going to work out super great. Your uncle Jesse is
moving in; my best friend Joey is moving in, and you know what that means... That means
that you two are going to get to be roommates. Isn’t that exciting?
Stephanie: I can wear all DJ’s clothes!
DJ: Do I have to share my room with her?
Danny: Honey, it’s going to be just like having a slumber party.
DJ: Yeah, with only one guest... who never leaves!
Jesse enters
Jesse: Hey! Look alive! Uncle Jesse’s here!
DJ & Stephanie: Uncle Jesse!
Jesse: (imitating the girls) Uncle Jesse! (in his normal voice) All right! Hello! DJ, how
you doing? That tooth come in yet?
DJ: Nah.
Jesse: That’s okay; one less to brush.
Danny: Hey, Jesse!
Jesse: Danno!
Danny: You missed breakfast; where have you been?
Jesse: I know; sorry. Last night, after my gig at the smash club, I go for a cruise on my
Harley, right? Nest thing I know, I’m in Reno. It was dark - who would have known? Then,
I happened to wander into this show, Razzle Dazzle ’87 - much better than Razzle Dazzle ’86,
by the way. And I see this incredible showgirl Vanessa, right? Our eyes meet. (Danny looks
at the girls, concerned at what they might be hearing) Ba-boom, this lightning bolt of passion
shoots across the casino. Turns out, Vanessa is on her way to the Philippines to do a Bob
Hope special, and is dying for one last night of good old American -
Danny: Food, food! She was hungry, right?
Jesse: Oh yeah. She was starving. Only we never got a chance to, uh, "eat," because she had
to turn her feathers in.
Stephanie: Uncle Jesse, let’s play Ballerina.
Jesse: Uncle Jesse doesn’t want to play ballerina.
Stephanie: Yes he does...
Jesse: No he doesn’t...
Stephanie: Yes he does...
Jesse: No he doesn’t!
Stephanie: (pretending to cry) Yes he does.
Jesse: How do you play ballerina?
Stephanie: Dance!
Jesse: Okay, that was fun.
Joey enters carrying a pile of laundry, and makes a noise, imitating a trumpet
DJ: Hi, Joey.
Joey: Hi, Danny.
Danny: Oh, Joey, buddy. This is the best; you’re moving in! (Danny takes the pile of
laundry from Joey)
Joey: Thanks, Danny. This works out so perfect. I move into a place with a washing
machine on the exact day I run out of clean clothes. (Danny drops the pile of laundry, which
he now knows to be dirty)
Jesse, long time no see. Now be honest. Did you ever think we’d end up being roommates?
Jesse: Not once.
Joey: I love this guy. Danny, there’s no way all my stuff will fit into a room this tiny.
Danny: Joey, this is not a tiny room. This is a large alcove. In fact, this is a large alcove that
you’re living in for free.
Joey: You know, now that I take a close look at it, it’s enormous... ‘normous... ‘normous...
We are gonna have so much fun, aren’t we, kids? (imitates Popeye’s laugh)
DJ: Do you think we could catch grandma at the airport?
Danny and Jesse are walking in the upstairs hallway. They enter Jesse’s new room...
Danny: Nice, huh? Roomy. (Jesse looks at the pink bunnies on the wall) Not overly
masculine.
Jesse: Oh golly, it’s swell. You know what would look great over here by the window?
Barbie’s dream house.
Danny: We’ve got one. Look, Jesse, I just want you to know that having you and Joey here
really means a lot to me. Just knowing somebody’s here who cares about the girls. You
know, they’re so happy
you’re here. Oh, God bless you! (Danny hugs Jesse)
Jesse: You’re hugging me in a room with pink bunnies.
Danny: Oh, sorry. I’m an emotional guy. Okay, let’s face it. I’m a lean, mean, hugging
machine.
Jesse: Okay. Danny, listen; Pam was my big sister, and I loved her very much, and I love
your kids, and I’m happy to do what I can. (Danny hugs Jesse again) Aah, you’re hugging
me again. Now listen; you and me, we’ll sit down; we’ll set aside a special time for hugging.
But not now. (Jesse opens the closet, and sees that the closet rack is too low) Oh great, I live
in Webster’s room!
DJ and Stephanie are in their new bedroom, which they now have to share...
DJ: Rule number one : never touch my stuff. You should be taking notes. Rule number two :
never set foot in my half of the room.
Stephanie: How do I get out of here?
DJ: Easy. You jump off the window and climb down the tree.
Stephanie: I don’t think so.
DJ: Suit yourself.
Stephanie: I’ll find a way out... (Stephanie climes onto the window curtain)Danny and Jesse enter the room
Danny: Stephanie, what are you doing
Stephanie: Just hanging around.
Danny: Come on, honey, get down from there.
Joey enters
Joey: (seeing the yellow barrier tied across the room) All right! Limbo. Dika-laka-puka...
dika-laka-puka... dika-laka-puka... no way.
DJ: This is a nightmare.
Danny: Uh, DJ, honey, I told you everything is gonna work out super great. I’m sorry. I’ve
got to get down to the station. Try to watch my sports report this afternoon. Today starts my
special two-part series entitled, "Boxers : Highly Skilled Athletes or Bullies in Shorts?"
Jesse and Joey are in Michelle’s nursery, where Michelle is crying
Joey: (in a baby’s voice) Oh, Michelle, little baby waby. What’s the matter? Uncle Jesse,
what are we gonna do?
Jesse: First, we stop talking like a munchkin. (Michelle continues to cry) Hey, shut up!
Joey: Wait, I’ll handle this. I’m a comic; it’s my non-paying job to cheer people up.
(imitating Kermit the Frog) Uh, Michelle, it’s me, Kermit the frog. Now, uh, you don’t want
to cry, do ya? (Michelle continues to cry) Wait, she’ll love it. I call it, "The Sprinkler."
(Joey drinks water, and starts to spit it out, like a sprinkler. Meanwhile, Jesse grabs a little
umbrella and covers Michelle) Tough room. Jesse, what if she needs to be... uh... changed?
Jesse: Check it out. Go.
Joey: (looking at the inside of the diaper) We have a winner. Now what?
Jesse: Joseph. Put yourself in her place. What would you want done?
Joey: I’ve never changed a diaper.
Jesse: Me neither. At least you touched one. All right, look out; I’ll show you how it’s done.
(to Michelle) Come here child. You believe this guy? (to Joey) All right, make yourself
useful.
Joey: I’ll take the south end.
Jesse: Good.
Jesse and Joey walk out of the room, heading down the stairs, into the front
room, and then into the kitchen
Joey & Jesse: Step one, step two, step one, step two, step one, step two, step one, step two.
Jesse: Okay, good. Look out. Okay, keep it coming.
Stephanie: (in the front room) Showtime!
Joey: (in the kitchen) Where will we put the baby?
Jesse: Where will we put the child?
Joey: Uh, the pot, over here.
Jesse: Whoa... whoa... whoa... whoa... whoa... whoa! Joey, this is a living thing. You don’t
stick it in a pot; use a meat rack.
Joey: I’m an idiot.
Jesse: Uh, come on.
Joey: Okay.
Jesse: All right, good.
Joey: All right, great.
Jesse: Settle down here; here we go.
Stephanie: Are you gonna cook Michelle?
Joey: We’re changing her diaper.
Stephanie: Oh, then how do you roast a turkey?
Jesse: Steph! Joey and I are busy. Joey, strip her. All right, careful there. You’re in control.
All right, slide it off and... ugh!
Joey: Uh... uh... (puts the dirty diaper into a plastic bowl and covers the bowl)
Jesse: Good thinking, Joey, keep it fresh.
Joey: Okay, hold her up; I’ll clean her off.
Jesse: Good idea. Come on, Michelle, all right. (Joey tries to shoot water at Michelle to
clean her off...) You’re missing! You’re missing! You’re missing! All right now, come on,
gently now, gently now, gently... There we go. This is great; we should be mothers.
Joey: Oh, yeah.
Jesse: All right, let’s dry her up.
Joey: Okay. Fan her. Fan her fanny. Fan her fanny.
Joey: You know these babies have it made? I would kill for this kind of service.
Jesse: All right, diapers.
Joey: Diaper... diaper
Jesse: Where are diapers?
Joey: Diapers...
Jesse: Diapers...
Joey: Diapers, diapers...
Jesse: Diapers...
Joey: (holding up a roll of paper towels) Hey, super absorbent.
Jesse: Bring it over. Okay, now what?
Joey: Okay, spin her.
Jesse: Spin her.
Joey: Spin her.
Jesse: Spin her. All right, now, wrap her up in this, come on. Put her right in here. It’s too
easy.
Joey: Works for me.
Stephanie: Not bad, but next time try these. (Stephanie holds the diapers)
Jesse: Steph, why did you wait till now to give us the diapers?
Stephanie: Nobody asked me.
Jesse and Joey are in the front room. Danny has just come home from work...
Danny: Hey guys, how’d it go today with - whoa! What happened? What’s with all the dirty
baby clothes?
The doorbell rings
Joey: I’m sorry, but every time we fed her, she’d drool, or dribble, or spit up.
Jesse: Your baby’s a pig.
Jesse opens the door, and Vanessa is sitting in the doorway
Vanessa: Hi, Jesse.
Jesse: Vanessa, have mercy. I thought you were supposed to go to the Philippines with Bob
Hope.
Vanessa: Oh, well, I am, but the airport’s fogged in. So, is that offer to stay with you any
time still good?
Jesse: Oh, it’s more than good. It’s... uh... amazing!
Stephanie enters
Stephanie: Hi, uncle Jesse. Ready for more ballerina?
Jesse: Uh... we’ll play later, okay?
Stephanie: Okay... it’s later! Catch me! Ohh!
Jesse: Listen; why don’t you go upstairs and play ballerina with your big sister.
Stephanie: I can’t. She moved out.
Danny: Stephanie, honey, what do you mean, "She moved out"?
Stephanie: She’s gone. She rolled up her crepe paper and took off.
Danny: Okay, everybody follow me.
Danny, Joey, Jesse, and Stephanie are in DJ’s bedroom
Danny: You lost my daughter? I went to work for seven hours, and you lost thirty-three
percent of my children? Joey, call the police. Jesse, start driving around our neighborhood.
I’m gonna call up DJ’s friends.
Stephanie: And I’ll go get DJ.
Danny: Stephanie, honey.
Stephanie: Yes, daddy?
Danny: Sweetheart, do you know where DJ is?
Stephanie: Uh-huh.
Danny: Why didn’t you say something sooner?
Stephanie: Nobody asked me.
Danny, Jesse, and Joey go into the garage, where DJ is on the telephone with Kimmy Gibbler
Danny: DJ, can I talk to you?
DJ: (on the telephone) Kimmy, hang on. (to Danny) I’m talking to Kimmy Gibbler. She
called me on her own phone from her own room. She has three sisters.
Danny: DJ, you don’t want to live in the garage. It’s filthy... it’s stuffy...
DJ: You want some fresh air? (DJ opens the garage door)
Danny: (in a firm voice) Donna Jo, I want you back inside right now this instant. (in a
milder voice) Is that okay?
DJ: No thank you, dad. (on the telephone) So Kimmy, where were we?
Jesse: (to Danny) Nice job, dad. You’ve been reading Cosby’s book?
Joey: Cosby? I’ll handle this. (imitating Bill Cosby, talking to DJ) Hello there, small child-
like person. Mmha... ha... ha... If you move back into the house, you can have a big, juicy
bowl of jello. Mmha... ha... ha... ha... ha... ha.
DJ: (on the telephone) No, Kimmy, that’s not really him. I’ll call you later.
Stephanie enters the garage
Stephanie: Daddy, the baby’s crying. She’s got that thirsty look in her eyes.
Stephanie goes back upstairs again
Danny: Okay, honey. I’ll be right up. Joey, would you mind warming up the baby’s bottle?
Joey: Well, not at all. Although with this particular baby, it might be simpler just to pour the
formula directly into the diaper. Well, think about it.Joey leaves to warm up the baby’s bottle
Jesse: All right, DJ’s all set and I got Vanessa upstairs waiting, so best of luck to both of you.
Danny: No, look, Jesse, look; I got to go check on the baby; won’t you just stay here with
DJ? Talk to her; I’ll be right back. Your her uncle - try to be parental, or something.
Danny walks upstairs
Jesse: Parental. That’s cool. I can be parental. I got parents. (Jesse taps DJ’s shoulder)
DJ: Can I help you?
Jesse: Yes. You can move your little bod back in the house. Look, DJ, I don’t blame you for
wanting your own room. But you got to understand; this world’s not a perfect place. Bruce
Willis has a record deal. But then a Vanessa shows up at your door, and it all evens out. You
know what I’m saying?
DJ: Yeah.
Jesse: Good, so you’ll move back in?
DJ: Nah.
Jesse: Nah! All right, I’ll speak the language you understand. Five bucks if you’ll move
back.
DJ: Fifty.
Jesse: Ten.
DJ: Forty-nine.
Jesse: A buck? You went down a buck?
DJ: Okay, it’s back up to fifty.
Jesse: All right, my final offer : twenty bucks.
DJ: Twenty-one. Vanessa’s waiting...
Danny, Joey, Jesse, and Stephanie are in the front room. Joey is putting his things away in
the alcove
Jesse: All right, DJ is moving back in.
Danny: She is? That’s fantastic! What did you do?
Jesse: I have a very special way with kids.
Jesse starts to go upstairs
Danny: Uh, Jesse, hang on. Vanessa’s not upstairs.
Jesse comes back downstairs
Jesse: Where’s Vanessa?
Danny: Well, uh...
Stephanie: She’s history.
Jesse covers Stephanie’s ears
Jesse: What the hell did you do with Vanessa?
Danny: I didn’t do anything with her. I just told her that with three little girls in the house, I
thought it would be better is she slept on the couch. And she left.
Jesse: You hate me, don’t you.
DJ enters the room
Danny: DJ.
Jesse: Whoa... whoa... whoa... whoa... whoa... whoa... whoa. Vanessa is gone. The deal is
off. I want my money back.
Danny: What money?
DJ: The money uncle Jesse paid me to move back in.
Danny: That’s your special way with children - you buy them off?
Jesse: It works. Kid, money.
DJ: Fine, I have other sources of income. I’ll go back to my new room and have a garage
sale.
Danny: DJ, wait. DJ. (to Jesse) Here, take Michelle. (to Stephanie) Come with me, honey.
Jesse: (looking at Michelle) Don’t even think about it.
Danny, DJ, and Stephanie are in the kitchen
Danny: DJ, honey, I can’t let you have a garage sale.
DJ: What if I give you ten percent of the profits?
Danny: DJ, come here. Can’t you just try sharing your room with your sister? Your mom
was always so good at this stuff. I’d come home from work, and everything was always
perfect. DJ, how would mom have handled this?
DJ: She would have caught me before I moved into the garage. Mom knew everything I did
before I did it.
Danny: What is it, honey?
DJ: It’s just not fair. First, I lose my mom; then, grandma leaves; now, I even lose my own
room? Everything keeps disappearing.
Danny: I know exactly how you feel. And I know how much you girls miss your mother,
because I miss her too, very much. But you still got me.
Stephanie: You got me, too.
Danny: You got Michelle, and you have your uncle Jesse, and Joey. DJ, we’re still a family,
and now is when we really need to stick together. DJ, you and I, we go back a long time - ten
years. The ten happiest years of my life. So look; it’s up to you. Either you move back
inside, or all five of us are moving into the garage. But nothing is gonna break up this team.
DJ: I’ll move back in.
Danny: I love you, angel. You too, little ballerina.
Jesse in the front room, talking to Michelle. Joey is in the alcove putting his things away
Jesse: Hey, Michelle. Michelle. Can you say, "Uncle Jesse"?
Michelle: Ah-ah.
Jesse: That’s it; you said it. You said, "Uncle Jesse." (Danny, DJ, and Stephanie enter)
Starting tomorrow, you use the toilet just like the rest of us.
DJ: Good news. Uncle Jesse, our deal’s back on. (Jesse starts to take out money) It’s okay;
I’ll put it on your tab.
Jesse: All right.
Danny: Aw. Is this great, or what? These girls are crazy about you.
Jesse: Oh, sure. I dance around; I give them money.
Michelle: Uh... uh...
Jesse: Now what’s the problem?
Danny: Oh, there’s no problem. She’s singing. Michelle loves music.
Joey: Music? I’ll handle this... (Joey starts to sing) Ooh... Flinstones... meet the
Flinstones...
Joey & Jesse: (singing) They’re a modern stone-age family...
Jesse: Everybody sing along!
Everybody: (singing) From the... town of Bedrock, they’re a page right out of history.
Jesse: Let’s take a walk.
Everybody: (singing) Let’s ride... with the family down the street. Through the... courtesy of
Fred’s two feet...
*** End ***